Am I selfish?
(Note: this is NOT an invite for character bashing, etc. It is a rhetorical question, people.)
I got a comment from somebody on my video that has me thinking. This person stated that because I am not happy with the manner in which my daughter was born that I am a selfish person and that she has been trying for years to have a baby and cannot. She said that she wouldn't care how her baby was born, as long as it was alive she would be happy.
So...I wonder if she realizes that if she were to get pregnant, have a cesarean (for whatever reason), and then decided that she wanted to expand her family that there are a whole slew of risks and complications that can occur before or during a subsequent pregnancy directly related to her cesarean?
Does the desire to avoid those risks, such as placenta previa, accretia, abruption, secondary infertility, bowel obstruction due to adhesions from the original surgery, increased risk of a premature baby, uterine rupture, to name a few, make me a selfish woman?
Does wanting to be able to care for my older child along with my newborn without being hopped up on vicodin for weeks on end make me a selfish person?
Am I selfish because I have learned to separate the DAY my daughter was born with the WAY she was born?
Or is it because I don't want to take the risks of having another major surgery for another person's convenience...maybe that's it.
I don't know. I'm kind of at a loss here. I mean, I realize on one hand that, yes it is selfish of me to want to avoid one mode of delivery so vehemently, but on the other hand isn't it just as selfish to willingly sign up for something that carries so many more (and longer term) risks?
What about the other women who have commented on my video? Are they just as selfish because all 50-ish of them were just as horrified by their surgical births?
Are we all just a big group of soft, over emotional, irrational, selfish lunatics?
I don't know if I'll ever get it. It just seems like the more I learn, the more surprised I become at how polarized people are in their beliefs. Even over something as personal as post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I think that's the part that kills me. I could not control my reaction to my surgery. I could not diet, exercise, meditate, medicate, pray, or supplement my way out of the hole I was in.
It was, simply stated, impossible.
I required months of therapy from two different therapists. I began this blog. I opened up to my friends and family who I had so successfully hidden my issues from. I dealt with having to explain over and over and over again that YES women actually do get PTSD from having a baby. YES, PPD sucks hard core and will eat away at your soul. YES, it affected my marriage, my ability to parent, my ability to function, my entire being.
So am I selfish for wanting to avoid flashbacks, depression, anxiety, being ostracized by those who "don't get it", AND recovery from surgery, AND learning over again how to nurse and parent a new human, AND learning how to parent two children at once, AND avoid the sealing of fate that two cesareans has become?
I guess I am.
I guess I'm going to have to sit with that for while and get used to it.
Because I think sometimes being selfish is better than being selfless.
Especially when it comes to the well being of my children and the well being of the mother that is providing their care.
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13 comments:
Nope, you're not selfish.
Here's my take on the selfish thing--women are tearing other women apart, using each other as scapegoats, rather than addressing the real issues at hand. Because to acknowledge the real abuses of a system (even when some people who go through the system have a great experience) is very, very scary.
Saying that you don't matter, that your PTSD or PPD don't matter, that your suffering doesn't matter, is anti-woman to its very core.
No, you're not selfish -- you're *honest*. Big difference. Right now this other woman is being bitter, lashing out at you because of her inability to have a child. These two things are totally separate.
Kathy
"All that matters is a health baby and healthy mother."
Translation: All that matters is that the baby and mother are breathing. We really don't care that the mother will be in physical pain for days, weeks, perhaps months. We really don't care that the mother may have emotional pain for much longer than the physical pain. We really don't care about the long term health effects to the mother.
Because after all...the baby is alive.
Oh...and we really don't care to be bothered by all the repeated studies that show that the rapidily escalating cesarean rate in America is not resulting in more healthy babies, but rather more UNHEALTHY babies.
Because in the end, like Rixa said...the suffering of the mother does not matter.
Jenn
www.knittedinthewomb.com
Ok...gonna get flamed for this from your other readers. I don't know if selfish is the word I would use, though I think I see what she means. I have many friends with fertility issues and it hurts them to the core of their being. One friend in particular will never have a child and to her complaints of pregnancy, delivery method, etc seem "small" in comparison to the fact that she will never watch a biological baby of hers enter the world.
I think your trauma is what it is. If you had PPD and PTSD, then you had them. I had bad PTSD from my birth.
I don't deny that your c section has caused you lots of angst and pain. But I think sometimes when something so much worse happens to you, it is a bit easy to say "I'd trade with you."
Heck. I would trade births with just about anybody. My son and I almost died. Him from extreme prematurity and me from HELLP and DIC resulting from it. So sometimes the "woe-is-me" c section stories are a bit much for me to hear and read.
I think we are all(you and me included) capable of being caught up in our own pain and story and not seeing what our pain/story looks like to another.
Hope that makes sense and you don't take offense.
Hi Aiden's Mom,
Thank you for leaving your thoughts...I really appreciate your input. No offense has been taken. But you DID spur some rambling thoughts...
Your comment makes me think of the "us vs. them" mentality that so many women have adopted in regard to their belief systems, whether it be birth, feeding choices, lifestyle, etc.
I absolutely see the pain that so many women experience in their own journeys. I have friends who have experienced infertility and recurrent miscarriages while watching the rest of us have babies, some even who had babies they never intended to have. I've seen the pain in their eyes. I do not deny that.
What I do deny is that it is the same. To say that the pain of not conceiving and carrying to term your own child in no way is comparable to the pain that those of us who have experienced PTSD resulting from the birth of their child(ren).
It is apples and oranges.
I can absolutely see where your aversion to the "woe is me" cesarean stories too. I read stories like yours and I thank the gods that I did not go through what you did. And I appreciate my life and my daughter's life (and your's and your son's as well) that much more.
What gets me though...you NEEDED your cesarean. Your baby NEEDED your cesarean.
I did not. My daughter did not. And in my humble opinion, that should make us ALL angry. My unnecessary surgery potentially took resources away from women who needed surgical intervention. My surgery raised the cost of obstetrical care for all of us. And that is NOT fair.
Yes, I got off "easy". I didn't almost die. My daughter didn't almost die. She was born with APGARS of 9 & 10. I "just" dealt with surgery I never wanted or needed, and the resulting fallout from it. Your fallout was a million times worse than mine, but we both still had to deal with crap we never wanted to, nor dreamed of having to.
And that, to me, makes sense. If you don't take offense. :)
Thanks for your thoughts Monkey's Mom. No offense taken here either.
You know, I feel for anybody who has been through the hell of PTSD. I am just now coming through the other side.
I appreciate how easy it is to go back to that dark place. It is a scary one. I remember my dark place and I never want to go there again.
I understand you have fears and you have a right to them.
Was just trying to communicate why in the apples to oranges process of comparing bad things, it is easy for some of us to sometimes gravitate to the idea that it was only a c section.
Some of it, I suppose, is that everything is relative to your own experience. Had I never had the experience I did with my son, would a cesarean have seemed a bigger deal? Maybe. It is hard to say, because the cesarean was dwarfed by the medical emergency.
Anyway...I ramble. Thanks for not reading into my words.
I like it when I can have a conversation where "we" understand each other.
Best of luck on the rest of the pregnancy. :-)
I really do think...in relation to folks with infertility thinking that it is "selfish" for someone who had a bad birth to complain, that there is a very basic problem going on.
It is that many people seem to feel that there own problem is somehow worse that someone elses, and thus that someone else should not complain.
That is just SO not true. (Well, okay, there are some pretty terrible problems out there in the world...but bear with me...). The thing is...we all have problems in life...and I think we have a right to be upset about them. We should allow each other the space to complain!
But we should all balance that with being greatful for the blessings that we do have.
So for this comparison...the mom complaining of birth of COURSE is thankful for her child. The mom complaining of her infertility should be thankful that she isn't changing toxic diapers, getting vomitted on, and spending multiple sleepless nights. Yes, yes, I know that the infertile mom would be greatful to give up those "blessings," but really, the mom with the rough birth would also readily say that if she knew the rough birth were NECESSARY to have her child...she'd go through it all over again.
Does this make any sense?
Jenn
www.knittedinthewomb.com
Hi Jenn,
Yes, it does. It is like two people being in two separate car accidents, one losing their legs, the other having a serious traumatic brain injury, and then playing this "my life/injury/emotional state is worse than yours" game.
Both injuries suck, nobody would WANT them...but why not just recognize that, move on, and help each other out?
I'd like to link to this comment, with this blog post, if that's okay.
Thanks,
Kathy
kathy_petersen_283 @ yahoo . com
"Self-esteem is not egotism, but ego strength. The person in whom ego strength is at its height most easily forgets himself and concentrates on others. People like to talk to those who esteem themselves because such people are not uptight, resentful, or easily intimidated." p. 21 in "The Art of Talking so that People will Listen" by Paul W. Swets; Simon & Schuster Publishing.
It seems to take compassion to get compassion. When we can muster up enough self-esteem to not judge people and simply take them for who they are we can be compassionate to them.
I'm really proud of you, Monkey Mama, for being so compassionate (if not a little cynical, heehee) with some of these folks that haven't been very compassionate to you.
Stay strong! :)
You are about as selfish as the women who have a hard time bonding with their babies after traumatic birth...because after all, it's all in their heads and they must be PUNISHING their little ones for not coming out the right hole.
Yeah, I had to leave one of my favorite forums forever when I heard that one. I hit the wall. I can't be around people who have that mentality...I just can't.
I can't imagine what infertility is like. I can't imagine what a LOT of traumatic things are like. But the other posters got to it before me: it doesn't mean that something traumatic that happens to ME is any more or less than something that happens to someone else. Even if you do "have it worse" than someone else, dwelling on it and shoving it in people's faces is not going to make it any better. We've all got issues. Instead of trying to one-up each other, let's SUPPORT each other.
We ALL matter. ALL of our struggles matter. To say that yours (general yours) is worse than someone elses is to say that theirs is not even worth calling a struggle. How insulting. How do we know how hard anything is for anyone else? We don't.
If something in your life sucked, then it sucked. "Selfish" is not a relevant term here. It is not relevant that some people cant get pregnant or that some people had necessary cesareans. Yours sucked and it upset you deeply. You have chosen to write about that. I have never read you say or even hint that you think your pain is "worse than" anyone elses.
It might be hard for some folks to understand the depth of your pain and dissapointment but oh well. They dont need to understand. By reading the experiences of others, they should be braodening their views of the human experience, and are free to agree, disaggree, judge, or decide that they think you are just nutso. But it doesnt make a difference what those kinds of people think because maybe you dont have anything to help them--but you do have something for many others, myself included, and so I say keep on keepin on.
and again, "Selfish" just doesnt play in at all.
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