Feeling Fierce

So, a mom that I know recently confided in me that it took her a long time to bond with her little one.  She had a cesarean, was separated from her baby for an untold number of hours, the whole universe saw her little one before she ever laid eyes on her, etc.  Same story I've been told a million times, but a different mom telling me this time.

She mentioned how it took her a *very* long time to feel fiercely about her baby.  Granted, she loved her baby, took care of her baby, etc, but realized that she didn't pine for her baby.

And the emotions flooded over me.

I felt the exact same way about Monkey #1.  Between the colic, lack of sleep, PPD, PTSD, and feeling like my marriage was falling apart, it took me a VERY long time to feel like I would kill for that kid.

And then I had Monkey #2.  From the moment I laid eyes on this little girl, I have felt like I could rearrange the universe if I needed to in order to keep her safe.  

I feel like she is a part of me, but not attached.

I feel like I want to devour her because I am so in love with her.

And all of this makes me realize just how bad off I was after Monkey #1.  And how I'm fending off feelings of guilt now because I realize just how much of a shell of a woman and mother I was for all of those months.  

I've had so many people contact me who completely empathize with my feelings.  

And then there are the others.  

The others just serve to remind me of why I do what I do, why awareness and empathy are so important.  And they also serve to remind me that not everyone cares or thinks the same way.  

But when someone tells me that I don't care about my kid because I had a difficult time bonding with her, that it was my fault, and I should just get over it....well...

I just don't know what to say to them, especially now that I've had experiences on both ends of the spectrum.

Anyway, I guess the point of all of this mess of a posting is to recognize the fact that it is ok to feel the way I do and that my experience is valid.  It is incredibly difficult to know that I recongize the difference in feelings I have for my children, and that the reason I recongnize those differences are due to the contrast in experiences leading up to their births and the way the events unfolded afterwards.

I love both of my babies, sometimes I wonder if I love them more than a normal person loves their kids.  But I have gotten to that fierce love I have for my girls in very, very different ways.