Trying to Decide...

Tomorrow morning, my midwife is hosting an OB who has come to our area to do VBAC sign offs.  I have done the coordinating for these meetings, this one included, for the past year or so never imagining that I would EVER need another consult.

And here I am.  Needing another consult (eventually).  

I'm trying to decide if I should do the consult tomorrow or not.  I have my records from both babies.  I have the $$$ to pay the OB for her time.  I know I'm going to have more babies.

I just don't know if I'm ready for the talk.  I know the statistics like the back of my hand.  I can quote articles.  I can refer to care providers my city, state, and even the country who are vbac friendly.  

But I just don't know if I can sit through it.  Again.

I don't want to have a discussion about my pelvis.  I don't want to hash out if it is wise to have another child after the wild ride of a labor I had with Monkey #2.  I just don't...

I'm not just sitting here ignorant to reality.  No way.  I believe that I have come to terms with the way she was born.  Although, I know I've still not come to terms with the way Monkey #1 was born.  

I just read through my records from both babies.  They are such a joke.  Especially the first ones. "Informed consent obtained."  

MY ASS INFORMED CONSENT WAS OBTAINED!

I seem to remember it all going down quite a bit differently than what the nice and neat records state.  Anyway...I digress....

I guess I'm just going to go to the meeting, hug my midwife as tight as can be, and make my decision then.  

I'll keep you posted.

(Oh, and we are NOT pregnant.   Not for at least another year and half--I have grad school to get through!!)